


8.01 New Order, Part 1

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-25
Updated: 2006-03-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of New Order, Part 1, with audience participation.





	8.01 New Order, Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem _very_ familiar.  
 **Disclaimer:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. So is Camulus' kilt. Please check with me first if you want to archive or link to this story.  


* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON STARGATE SG-1

[FOR THOSE WHO MISSED SEASON SIX, REPLICATORS "ADVANCED" TO HUMAN FORM. OF COURSE ONE FALLS FOR SAM.]

NOROMOS: [sigh]

FIFTH: They won't leave me. She promised!

NOROMOS: Son, we need to have a little chat with you about women in general and Black Widow Sam in particular.

[TIME SLOWS FOR THE REPLICATORS.]

AUDIENCE: We've all had days like that, haven't we?

[FLASHBACK TO HAMMOND BEING RELIEVED OF COMMAND AND REPLACED BY DR. WEIR.]

AUDIENCE: Bastards!

[FLASHBACK TO BABBLING O'NEILL.]

AUDIENCE: And this is unusual because?

JACK FANS: Because Sam's usually the babbler?

SAM FANS: But only technobabble!

AUDIENCE: You can't get more technobabble that speaking in Ancient about weaponry.

SAM FANS: [...] Were those supposed to be Sam's lines then?

[FLASHBACK TO ANUBIS ATTACKING EARTH.]

AUDIENCE: Yeah, shit blows up. Move along.

WRITERS: But we spent a lot of money on it! We're going to recycle the hell out of it, especially now that most of the budget is going over to Atlantis. [pets shiny new show]

[FLASHBACK TO THE ANCIENT'S WEAPON DESTROYING ANUBIS' SHIP.]

HIGHLANDER FANS: Good grief, even Duncan didn't have this many flashbacks in one ep.

[FLASHBACK TO JACKSCICLE O'NEIL.]

NOROMOS: Hey, we're disappointed! We figured we'd get a shot of Sam with her tongue stuck to the ice.

SLASHERS: How many licks *does* it take to get to the center of a Jackcicle? The world may never know... but Daniel might!

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL'S PACKING AS A WOMAN APPEARS IN HIS DOORWAY.]

DANIEL: Doctor Weir.

AUDIENCE: Say what?

WRITERS: That's Dr. Elizabeth Weir.

AUDIENCE: [peers at the woman] No it's not.

WRITERS: Oh, just deal with it. It's her.

AUDIENCE: But we were just getting used to thinking she wasn't Sam.

[DANIEL SAYS HE'S ALMOST READY TO GO, BUT "WEIR" SAYS THE TALKS HAVE STALLED AGAIN. OTHER COUNTRIES WHO'VE SIGNED THE ANTARCTIC TREATY FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH ARE BALKING ABOUT THE ESTABLISHMENT OF A MILITARY BASE AND TESTING OF WEAPONS, EVEN THOUGH THE BASE AND WEAPONS WERE PUT IN PLACE BEFORE HUMANS WERE UP TO CREATING FIRE.]

DANIEL: So, meanwhile, Jack just stays frozen in a stasis pod down there? He sacrificed himself to save us, all of us. Not just this country.

[NOT-EXACTLY-WEIR EXPLAINS THE SCALE OF ANUBIS' ATTACK MADE IT HARD TO KEEP THE WHOLE WORLD FROM FINDING OUT ABOUT THE STARGATE, SO THEY NEED FULL COOPERATION OF EVERY GOVERNMENT THAT ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT THE GATE.]

AUDIENCE: At this point, *we'd* like to know about the gate.

DANIEL: And in the meantime, we just sit here and do nothing.

AUDIENCE: Sounds normal for a government job.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM, TEAL'C, DANIEL AND WEIR ARE SITTING AROUND THE TABLE.]

SAM: Why can't we use the gate?

AUDIENCE: Because the budget, as well as any interest of the writers, has gone over to Atlantis?

WRITERS: [pets shiny new show]

AUDIENCE: Dudes, we're totally getting vibes of Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth. Y'all totally need to get over the obsession with Atlantis and write for *this* show.

WRITERS: That makes us angry, and when we get angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people *die*!

AUDIENCE: Why must we be surrounded by frickin' idiots? [...] Oh yeah, they're writers. Nevermind.

[NOT-EXACTLY-WEIR EXPLAINS ALL NORMAL GATE ACTIVITY IS SUSPENDED UNTIL THE AGREEMENT FOR THE ANTARCTIC SITE IS RESOLVED. THE PRESIDENT THINKS IT WILL REFLECT INTERNATIONAL GOOD WILL.]

DANIEL: In other words, it's our political leverage in negotiations.

WEIR (AS SHE NODS SLOWLY): I would never say that.

[DANIEL NODS IN RETURN, AND SAM ASKS ABOUT JACK.]

NOROMOS: Are we going to have to put our fingers in our ears and hum?

S/J SHIPPERS: We certainly hope so!

WEIR: Look, I know what he means to the three of you.

FRIENDSHIPPERS: We don't get to do it often, but "Squee!"

NOROMOS: And everyone can have their own interpretation of that scene... just don't tell us about it.

FOURGY FANS: [mutter mutter mutter]

[DANIEL SAYS THE ASGARD CAN HELP, BUT WEIR SAYS THEY'VE TRIED AND CAN'T CONTACT THEM. SAM SUGGESTS USING THE SHIP JACK MODIFIED BEFORE HE WAS FROZEN TO GO TO THE REPLICATOR TRAP TO SEE IF THE ASGARD ARE MONITORING THE SITUATION. THE SHIP MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO MAKE THE RETURN TRIP, AND WHILE THE TEAM IS WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK, WEIR WON'T LET THEM GO. SHE THINKS IF ANUBIS ATTACKS, THEY'LL NEED THE MODIFIED CARGO SHIP.]

INT. WEIR'S OFFICE

SAM: I want you to reconsider my request.

WEIR: I'm sorry.

SAM: That cargo ship was modified using the knowledge of the Ancients. Now, there is no guarantee that anyone will ever be able to figure out how it was done.

WEIR: And as the most likely person on the planet to figure it out, are you saying that if I don't let you attempt to contact the Asgard, you won't even try?

[SAM SMILES AND NODS HER HEAD.]

SAM: I would never say that.

CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: OK, that's it. Sam's acting like a whiny girl. Would she have *ever* tried this shit with Hammond? The whole "chasing after her man" thing is bad enough, but this is so unprofessional and out of character for her.

WRITERS: *We* determine what's in character for her.

CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: We think Sam needs some serious help to get over this stupid crush, and she's certainly not getting it from the writers. Call us... SNIT.

WRITERS: OK, we'll play. SNIT?

SNIT: Sam Needs Intensive Therapy. And besides, it's not like there's not a ton of other scientists who *could* figure out the modifications. Why not call in Rodney McKay?

WRITERS: Sh! Later!

INT. SAM'S LAB

[SAM AND TEAL'C ARE PLANNING THE TRIP WHEN DANIEL ENTERS. HE ASKS HOW SAM TALKED WEIR INTO LETTING THEM GO, BUT SAM SAYS ONLY SHE AND TEAL'C ARE GOING.]

SAM: We need you here. You're our best chance of deciphering whatever information's in that Ancient outpost.

TEAL'C: If we fail, you will be O'Neill's only hope.

FRIENDSHIPPERS: [ecstasy]

SLASHERS: [ditto]

INT. CARGO SHIP

[TEAL'C IS PILOTING, AND SAM BRINGS HIM A SANDWICH.]

SNIT: Another example of putting Sam in a "female" role again, eh?

WRITERS: No, we just needed something to set up this uncomfortable "small talk" scene, even though Sam and Teal'c have been teammates for eight years now.

[SAM ASKS ABOUT RY'AC. ISHTA. BRA'TAC. TEAL'C DOESN'T ELABORATE IN HIS ANSWERS.]

SAM: Come on, Teal'c. Throw me a bone here.

TEAL'C/SAM SHIPPERS: Oh yeah!

SMUTTERS: [snicker] She said bone.

TEAL'C: How is Pete Shanahan?

SAM: He's fine.

TEAL'C FANS: Point to Teal'c!

[TEAL'C ASKS IF EVERYTHING IS OK WITH THE TWO OF THEM, BUT SAM SAYS EVERYTHING IS GREAT. IT'S JUST DIFFICULT TO SAY GOODBYE TO SOMEONE WHEN THERE'S A CHANCE YOU MAY NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.]

S/J SHIPPERS: And we know who she's *really* talking about!

S/JANET FEMSLASHERS: So do we! [sob]

SLASHERS: Yeah. She's talking about PETE. [...] Did we just say that? Did we actually just mention a *het* relationship?

NOROMOS: Looks like Sam's not the only one needing intensive therapy.

SLASHERS: Nah, we just need to figure out who to slash Pete with.

INT. WEIR'S OFFICE

[WEIR AND DANIEL HAVE A LITTLE TETE A TETE ABOUT THE TALKS. DANIEL SAYS THAT IF BEING ATTACKED BY AN ALIEN ARMADA DOESN'T GET US PAST OUR DISTRUST OF EACH OTHER, WHAT WILL? WEIR SAYS THAT SINCE THE ARMADA WAS DESTROYED BY ONE WEAPON, THE OTHER COUNTRIES ARE CONCERNED ABOUT ITS USE.]

DANIEL: Not that I want this to come off as an attempt to get rid of you, but isn't this sort of international negotiation exactly your area of expertise?

WEIR: Um, um, um... writers? Line?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Unauthorized offworld activation!

WEIR: Close enough.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[WEIR AND DANIEL ENTER, CHEVRON GUY TELLS THEM THEY'RE RECEIVING A TEXT MESSAGE. IT'S IN GOA'ULD, SO DANIEL TRANSLATES.]

DANIEL FANS: He actually gets to do his *job*? We feel a faint coming on.

[THE MESSAGE IS FROM A GOA'ULD NAMED CAMULUS, THE CELTIC GOD OF WAR. HE AND THE REST OF THE SYSTEM LORDS WANT TO SEND REPRESENTATIVES TO MEET WITH THEM TO ARRANGE A TREATY. WEIR LOOKS SURPRISED.]

AUDIENCE: We don't blame her. We're pretty gobsmacked too.

INT. CARGO SHIP

[TEAL'C AND SAM ARRIVE NEAR THE ASGARD'S REPLICATOR MOUSE TRAP AND BEGIN BROADCASTING A SIGNAL TO ATTRACT THEIR ATTENTION. THEY NOTICE THEY CAN'T SEE THE PLANET, AND THEY'RE EXPERIENCING THE EFFECT OF AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL GRAVITATIONAL FORCE.]

AUDIENCE: You mean the writing has gotten so bad it's created a black hole?

WRITERS: Ha. Ha. So very funny. Not.

[SAM TELLS TEAL'C TO GET THEM OUT OF THERE, BUT THE HYPERSPACE ENGINE WON'T ENGAGE.]

AUDIENCE: They need Captain Picard to say "Engage!"

SAM: There's only one thing I know of that could create this kind of gravitational pull.

NOROMOS: Shipper expectations?

AUDIENCE: The Cosmic Giddiness (tm) finally imploded, drawing all light and matter in after it?

DANIEL FANS: Daniel in bed?

SLASHERS: We know that would work for Jack. And us.

[A BLACK HOLE EVENT HORIZON IS VISIBLE.]

AUDIENCE: See! We *said* a black hole!

WRITERS: Yeah, yeah, you're very smart. Smart assed, anyway.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL HAS TRANSLATED THE MESSAGE FROM CAMULUS. HE THINKS THEY'VE HEARD WHAT HAPPENED TO ANUBIS, AND THEY KNOW *THEY* COULDN'T DEFEAT HIM WITH THEIR COMBINED FORCES, SO THEY WANT TO COME TO EARTH TO SEE HOW WE DID IT.]

INT. CARGO SHIP

[SAM SAYS THE HYPERDRIVE IS DEAD, BUT EVEN IF IT WAS WORKING, IT WOULD BE DANGEROUS TO OPEN IT THIS CLOSE TO A BLACK HOLE.]

AUDIENCE: Um, wouldn't it be a lot more dangerous to just sit around near a black hole?

DYLAN HUNT: You have *no* idea. But the universe is a dangerous place, but in our future, my crew and I fight to make it safe.

ANDROMEDA FANS: Just don't mention your forcelance *again*, OK?

DYLAN HUNT: Beka can vouch for me. I'm very good with a forcelance.

ANDROMEDA FANS: Just shut up! Shut. Up. Unless you know when we're going to see Remiel again.

[TEAL'S ASKS IF THEY'RE OFF COURSE. SAM SAYS NO, AND HALA'S SUN WASN'T MASSIVE ENOUGH TO COLLAPSE INTO A BLACK HOLE.]

SNIT: Silly Teal'c! You *know* Ms. National Treasure wouldn't make a mistake!

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[WEIR TELLS DANIEL THE PRESIDENT HAS AUTHORIZED HER TO NEGOTIATE WITH THE GOA'ULD.]

DANIEL: If I may, you don't sound all that confident.

WEIR: I have brokered my share of international negotiations. This will just be my first interplanetary one.

DANIEL FANS: But Daniel *has*, you twit.

WEIR: Look, I'm not afraid to admit that I need help. So what can you tell me?

DANIEL FANS: [faint]

SNIT: See, if you'd left Jessica Steen in the role, we'd have NEVER mistaken her for Sam again, based on that admission alone.

[DANIEL EXPLAINS SYSTEM LORDS 101, AND SUGGESTS MEETING THE REPRESENTATIVES AT A NEUTRAL LOCATION AND CHECKING THEM OUT BEFORE BRINGING THEM BACK TO THE SGC. WEIR AGREES.]

AUDIENCE: Why not just meet them at a neutral location instead of possibly compromising Earth?

WRITERS: We got nothing. [...] Other than it would have involved shooting in another location, and we've blown most of our money getting Atlantis going. [...] Um, did we say that out loud?

AUDIENCE: Looks like the truth serum we smuggled into the coffee is kicking in.

WRITERS: Oh. Crap.

INT. CARGO SHIP

[THE CARGO SHIP IS BEING PULLED TOWARDS THE BLACK HOLE. TEAL'C SUGGEST DIVERTING POWER FROM THE SHIELDS, BUT SAM SAYS THEY'RE HOLDING THE SHIP TOGETHER. THEY DECIDE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE, AND DIVERT THE POWER. THEY START MOVING FORWARD, BUT THERE'S A HULL BREACH... AND A BRIGHT LIGHT.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR HAS SAVED TEAL'C AND SAM'S BUTTS.]

MISC. SHIPPERS AND SLASHERS FOR GROUPINGS INVOLVING THOR, TEAL'C AND SAM: Woo hoo!

NOROMOS: [rolls eyes]

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL TALKS TO WEIR ABOUT THE GOA'ULD DELEGATES: CAMULUS, AMATERASU, AND YU.]

WEIR: Yu?

DANIEL: Don't. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously.

AUDIENCE: All by Jack, we're sure.

DANIEL FANS: We're still rather fond of the whole "Slave for Yu" concept.

BDSMERS: We're rather fond of it too.

DANIEL FANS: Hm... wonder if Daniel still has that outfit, minus the stupid armbands that blocked the Arm Porn from realizing full potential? [pondering mental image] We'll be in our bunks.

[WEIR EXPLAINS SHE JUST THOUGHT HE WASN'T HIMSELF, EVEN FOR A GOA'ULD. YU IS SUFFERING FROM SENILITY, BUT THE OTHER SYSTEM LORDS DON'T KNOW.]

DANIEL: On the bright side, out of all the Goa'uld, Lord Yu has been the most cooperative with us in the past.

WEIR: I thought you said none of them could be trusted.

DANIEL: Oh, they can't. Especially not a crazy one.

WEIR: Huh. That's the bright side?

DANIEL: More of a slightly less dark side.

DANIEL FANS: We (heart) Snarky Daniel!

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR SAYS HE CANNOT LEAVE AT THE MOMENT, AND SINCE JACK IS IN STASIS, HE WON'T BE HARMED FURTHER WHILE THOR COMPLETES HIS MISSION TO BE CERTAIN THE REPLICATORS ARE DESTROYED. SAM SAYS THEY TRIED CONTACTING THE ASGARD, BUT RECEIVED NO RESPONSE.]

THOR: I am sorry. Time space distortions caused by the black hole have been interfering with my ship's long-range communications.

SAM: Understandable.

TEAL'C: Indeed. For some.

TEAL'C FANS: [snicker] [...] No, wait. Teal'c's not stupid, he used to fly around in spaceships a lot, he should know the basics of black holes and the like.

WRITERS: [remembering that Teal'c is over 100 year old] Um, well... he was just being *snarky*. You like that sort of thing, right? Yeah, that's it.

AUDIENCE: Jaffa humor *is* a subtle and difficult concept.

[THOR HAS A MINI-TECHNOBABBLE ABOUT THE TIME DILATION FIELD BEING ONLY TEMPORARY, SO A MORE PERMANENT SOLUTION WAS DEVISED BY COLLAPSING THE SUN, BUT SOME REPLICATORS HAVE MANAGED TO GET PAST THE EVENT HORIZON. APPARENTLY THEY'RE USING THE TIME DILATION DEVICE TO COUNTERACT THE BLACK HOLE, AND THEY'RE COMING IN THEIR DIRECTION.]

AUDIENCE: Well, of *course* they are.

INT. GATEROOM

[SG-7 ESCORTS CAMULUS, AMATERASU, YU AND YU'S FIRST PRIME, OSHU, THROUGH THE GATE. WEIR TRIES TO INTRODUCE EVERYONE, BUT CAMULUS AND AMATERASU SHOOT HER DOWN (UNFORTUNATELY FOR SOME, NOT LITERALLY) BY SAYING THEY WANT TO PRESENT THEIR OFFER AND LEAVE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.]

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WITH A LONG MEMORY: Coburn!

ANDROMEDA FANS: Rhade! Whichever version you are!

RHADE FANS: No arm blades but... the kilt works, baybee.

KILT FANS: Yes. Oh. Yes. [laments the fact there's no strong breezes in an underground facility]

SLASHERS: Dayum. We could definitely work with this.

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THE REPLICATOR SHIP FIRES ON THOR'S SHIP, AND BREACHES THE HULL. THIS IS HOW THEY'VE BOARDED ASGARD SHIPS IN THE PAST. TEAL'C AND SAM GET WEAPONS OUT OF A CRATE.]

AUDIENCE: How thoughtful, Thor beamed their weapons onboard too.

S/J SHIPPERS: Thor thought of everything! Maybe we should ask him about being the wedding planner.

JACK/THOR SLASHERS, ER SHIPPERS, WHATEVER: That would be a cruel thing to do! Making him plan his own wedding.

NOROMOS: [groan] We'll be waiting in the car again.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[WEIR, DANIEL AND THE THREE SYSTEM LORDS ARE AT THE TABLE, WITH OSHU STANDING SLIGHTLY BEHIND YU. CAMULUS EXPLAINS AFTER ANUBIS WAS DEFEATED, THE SYSTEM LORDS CAME TO AN AGREEMENT TO DIVIDE HIS TERRITORIES. ONLY PROBLEM IS, ONE OF THEM BROKE THE AGREEMENT.]

DANIEL: Oh, no, no. Don't... don't tell me, let me ...let me guess. It's ummm...

AMATERASU: Ba'al.

DANIEL: Ba'al.

[CAMULUS SAYS BA'AL LEARNED WHERE ANUBIS WAS CREATING HIS KULL WARRIORS. DANIEL SAYS BA'AL JUST BEAT THEM TO IT, AND FOUND A WAY TO REPROGRAM THE SOLDIERS.]

AUDIENCE: Kull warriors? Aw man, we were rather attached to Super Troopers.

[CAMULUS SAYS MANY OF THE SYSTEM LORDS ARE TALKING ABOUT SURRENDERING, BUT IF THEY DO, BA'AL WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE. WEIR ASKS WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH EARTH. YU WHISPERS IN OSHU'S EAR...]

SLASHERS: Um. Not going there, but snaps up to Yu for going after a *much* younger man.

NOROMOS: Not like *that* you pervs.

OSHU: My master wishes to say, it is well known the Tau'ri possess a powerful new weapon. Something far beyond their current level of technology.

DANIEL: Yes. We used it to kill Anubis and destroy his fleet.

OSHU: By means of this weapon, Ba'al can be prevented from conquering the galaxy.

SLASHERS AND HETSMUTTERS: Oh, Oshu! [flutters eyelashes]

OSHU: And I wish to say... they're really wigging me out. Again.

DANIEL: Try to pretend they aren't there. Anything else just encourages them.

SLASHERS AND HETSMUTTERS: Doing nothing encourages us too. Lots of missing scene potential.

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[SAM AND TEAL'C WALK ALONG THE CORRIDOR, LOOKING FOR REPLICATORS.]

SCI FI PROGRAMMING DEPARTMENT: Coming soon to Sci Fi, and all new reality show, "When Replicators Attack!" Check your local listings.

[A REPLICATOR IS ABOUT TO ATTACK SAM AND AS SHE TURNS TO FIRE, SHE IS ENVELOPED IN A BRIGHT LIGHT. TEAL'C RADIOS TO THOR, ASKING IF HE BEAMED SAM OUT.]

THOR: I did not do it. The Replicators must have her.

JACK/THOR SLASHERS, ER SHIPPERS, WHATEVER YOU CALL IT BECAUSE WE'RE REALLY NOT SURE OF THOR'S GENDER: Yeah, yeah, just trying to get rid of any potential competition, right?

S/J SHIPPERS: Aha! You admit Sam's competition for Jack's affections.

AUDIENCE: Um, reality check, if you'll pardon the pun as we talk about a sci fi show -- they're talking about Jack/Thor. For crying out loud, Thor doesn't even have genitalia!

JACK/THOR SLASHERS, ER SHIPPERS, WHATEVER: We'll take a page from the Shipper Handbook... Damn the genitalia! We want them to have a relationship! It's not like a lack of balls has stopped the writers!

[TEAL'C BLOWS AWAY ALL THE REPLICATORS, THEN JOINS THOR ON THE BRIDGE. THOR TELLS HIM THE REPLICATOR SHIP HAS GONE INTO HYPERSPACE, BUT THEY CAN FOLLOW.]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[THE GOA'ULD SAY IF BA'AL DEFEATS THEM, IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE HE TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO EARTH. WEIR SAYS HE'LL SUFFER THE SAME FATE AS ANUBIS.]

BA'AL FANS: Do *not* cover him up with a freaking black shroud! It would be a crime!

[THE GOA'ULD SAY OTHER WORLDS IN THE GALAXY DON'T HAVE SUCH DEFENSES, AND BA'AL BELIEVES THE ASGARD CAN NO LONGER PROTECT THE WORLDS COVERED IN THEIR TREATY WITH THE GOA'ULD.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR SAYS THE REPLICATORS FOUND THE LOCATION OF ORILLA, THE NEW ASGARD HOMEWORLD, FROM HIS SHIPS' COMPUTER. THE WORLD IS RICH IN NEUTRONIUM, WHICH IS KEY IN ASGARD TECH, AND ESSENTIAL FOR MAKING HUMAN FORM REPLICATORS.]

STAR TREK FANS: Neutronium? You're kidding, right?

STARGATE FANS: No, they're not kidding. And dilithium? Just sayin'.

INT. REPLICATOR SHIP

[SAM IS IN A ROOM MADE OF REPLICATOR PIECES. FIFTH STEPS OUT OF THE WALL.]

FIFTH: I imagine you never expected to see me again.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVEN'T SEEN SEASON SIX: Um. No. And who the hell are you exactly?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO SAW SEASON 6: Wouldn't you know it? The Black Widow Curse chooses *him* to fail on. 

[SAM SAYS SHE'S SORRY FOR BETRAYING HIM, AND UNDERSTANDS HOW HE FEELS.]

FIFTH: No you don't! You couldn't. But I promise, you will.

[FIFTH PUTS HIS FINGERS INTO SAM'S FOREHEAD.]

AUDIENCE: Um. Ouch.

SNIT: Does this count as intensive therapy? We're kinda unclear.

NOROMOS: Not sure, but I wonder if he can delete Sam's crush on Jack?

S/J SHIPPERS: Blasphemy!

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[THE GOA'ULD ARE APPARENTLY HAVING A SNACK BREAK.]

SLASHERS: Unfortunately, it doesn't involve Camulus and Oshu putting... food... into each other's mouths. And is there *no* whipped cream? The SGC is a poor party host.

INT. WEIR'S OFFICE

[DANIEL IS FILLING WEIR IN ON THE DETAILS ABOUT THE TREATY, AND THAT SINCE THE ASGARD HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THE REPLICATORS, IT'S MOSTLY A BLUFF. THE GOA'ULD THINK EARTH HAS CONTROL OF THE ANCIENT WEAPONS, BUT THAT'S A BLUFF TOO.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR SAYS THE ONLY WAY TO TAKE OUT THE REPLICATOR SHIP IS TO GET CLOSE AND BLOW UP HIS OWN SHIP.]

TEAL'C: So be it.

WRITERS: Shit blow up! Whee!

INT. REPLICATOR SHIP

[FIFTH IS TREATING SAM TO SOME SORT OF ACID TRIP, AS SHE SEES IMAGES TO TORTURE HER, INCLUDING AN UNAS.]

DANIEL FANS: *Daniel* was the one who dealt the most with the Unas, and it wasn't torture.

DANIEL/CHAKA SLASHERS: It most certainly wasn't!

BDSMERS: There was a safe word and everything!

[FIFTH STOPS THE TORTURE FOR A MOMENT. SAM SAYS IF HE CAN SEE HER THOUGHTS, THEN HE KNOWS SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. FIFTH GOES OFF ON A RANT ABOUT HOW HE'S ALL THE MAN BETRAYED AND SHIT, THEN PUTS HIS HAND INTO SAM'S HEAD AGAIN.]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[WEIR SAYS THEY CAN'T GET INVOLVED IN A GOA'ULD INTERNAL CONFLICT. CAMULUS SAYS THEY HAVE TO STOP BA'AL, BUT WEIR SAYS IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM.]

AUDIENCE: It will be when he calls your bluff.

[YU LOSES HIS TEMPER, AND SAYS ANUBIS' NAME INSTEAD OF BA'AL'S. OSHU TRIES TO COVER FOR HIM, BUT YU TELLS HIM TO BE SILENT. THE OTHER GOA'ULD SAY INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THE ENEMY TO COME TO THEM, THEY CAN OFFER HYPERDRIVES, SO THEY CAN TAKE THE BATTLE TO THE ENEMY.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR'S SHIP GETS CLOSE TO THE REPLICATOR SHIP, BUT THE POWER GOES WONKY, AND THEIR SHIP SLOWS DOWN AND THE REPLICATORS GET AWAY. AN ALERT SYSTEM SAYS THERE'S A PROBLEM IN A CONTROL ROOM NEAR THE ENGINE ROOM. TEAL'C GRABS A WEAPON, COCKS IT, THEN LEAVES THE ROOM.]

TEAL'C FANS: Oooooh, Terminator Teal'c.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[WEIR DECLINES THE HYPERDRIVE OFFER, BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GOING TO FIGHT THE GOA'ULD'S BATTLES FOR THEM, AND THEY'RE GETTING HYPERDRIVE TECHNOLOGY FROM THE ASGARD, THANKYOUVERYMUCH. AMATERASU HINTS BA'AL MIGHT RECEIVE INTELLIGENCE THAT THE WEAPON THEY HAVE IS TEMPORARILY OUT OF COMMISSION. THE TAU'RI WOULD BE FORCED TO DEAL WITH HIM, WHILE THE SYSTEM LORDS WOULD HAVE TO GIVE THEM NADA.]

WEIR: Okay. We'll do it.

DANIEL: We will?

AUDIENCE: We will?

WEIR: In exchange, we want Ba'al's territory.

CAMULUS: What do you mean?

WEIR: Well, that's the way it works right? When one System Lord kills another, he takes over his armies, his fleet, his planets. That's what we want. Everything in Ba'al's possession.

BA'AL FANS: Sorry, but the hotness is non-transferable.

[AFTER GOING THROUGH THE STANDARD "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS" EXCHANGE, CAMULUS SAYS THEY MUST SEND A MESSAGE TO THE OTHER SYSTEM LORDS.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[TERMINATOR TEAL'C HAS BLOWN AWAY ALL THE REMAINING REPLICATORS, BUT THEY ARE TOO LATE TO STOP THEM FROM REACHING THE ASGARD WORLD.]

INT. WEIR'S OFFICE

[WEIR AND DANIEL HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT WEIR'S BLUFFING TECHNIQUE. DANIEL SAYS THE GOA'ULD ARE NOT GOING TO ACCEPT THE TERMS, AND WEIR SAYS SHE KNOWS.]

WEIR: We may have to revive Colonel O'Neill.

AUDIENCE: Can you leave the Cosmic Giddiness (tm) in the freezer?

NOROMOS: And the Ship?

[THERE'S NO GUARANTEE THERE'S ENOUGH POWER IN THE ANCIENT WEAPON FOR ANOTHER SHOT, BUT IT MIGHT BE THEIR ONLY CHANCE IF THINGS GO BAD, AND THERE'S REALLY NO REASON TO BELIEVE IT'LL GO OTHERWISE, RIGHT? DANIEL SAYS THAT REVIVING JACK WITHOUT THE ASGARD AROUND MEANS HE'LL DIE. CHEVRON GUY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, AND GIVES WEIR A COPY OF THE CODED MESSAGE THE GOA'ULD SENT. WEIR GIVES IT TO DANIEL TO TRANSLATE.]

DANIEL FANS: He's translating again? [swoon]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR HAS GOTTEN A MESSAGE TO ORILLA, HOPING THEY CAN DESTROY THE REPLICATOR SHIP AFTER THEY LEAVE WARP BUT BEFORE THEY CAN RAISE THEIR SHIELDS.]

INT. REPLICATOR SHIP

[FIFTH IS STILL TORTURING SAM, WHO BEGS HIM TO STOP. FIFTH GOES THROUGH ANOTHER MAN DONE WRONG RANT. SAM SAYS PART OF BEING HUMAN IS LEARNING TO FORGIVE, BUT FIFTH SAYS HE'S NOT THERE YET.]

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL'S TRANSLATING THE GOA'ULD MESSAGE. IT BASICALLY SAYS THEY THINK THE TAU'RI ARE BLUFFING AND THEY'RE NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. THERE'S AN UNSCHEDULED GATE ACTIVATION... THE SYSTEM LORDS HAVE RETURNED THE CALL.]

INT. THOR'S SHIP

[THOR RECEIVES A MESSAGE FROM ANOTHER ASGARD SHIP; THEY ARE AWAITING THE REPLICATOR SHIP. THE SHIP SHOWS UP, AND IS BLOWN UP GOOD.]

WRITERS: Woo hoo! Ship go boom!

S/J SHIPPERS: A-hem. Would you like to rephrase that?

WRITERS: Um. Sorry. The *Asgard* ship go boom.

S/J SHIPPERS: Good writers. [pats heads] You get a cookie.

THOR: I am sorry, Teal'c.

AUDIENCE: For what? [...] Oh yeah, Sam's supposed to be on the Replicator ship.

SNIT: Are we evil because we're not shedding a tear?

SAM FANS: Well, *yeah*.

SNIT: [...] Nope, sorry, not sharing your feelings on that one. Still feeling pretty evil.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[DANIEL ASKS FOR A COPY OF THE MESSAGE THE GOA'ULD RECEIVED.]

INT. GATEROOM

[THE GOA'ULD ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE.]

CAMULUS: Your demands were ridiculous. We had no choice but to terminate negotiations.

WEIR: Well, give my regards to Ba'al.

[CAMULUS HAS TURNED BACK TO THE GATE, AND SMIRKS.]

RHADE FANS: Oh. My. [fans selves]

CAMULUS FANS: *So* with you.

KILT FANS: Isn't there quite a breeze when the gate activates?

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[THE GATE ACTIVATES AS DANIEL IS READING THE MESSAGE. HE TELLS CHEVRON GUY TO SHUT IT DOWN. CHEVRON GUY DOESN'T ACT FAST ENOUGH, SO DANIEL SHUTS IT DOWN HIMSELF.]

DANIEL FANS: If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

INT. GATEROOM

[THE GOA'ULD ARE PISSED THEIR RIDE HAS BEEN CANCELLED. DANIEL ENTERS THE GATEROOM.]

DANIEL: The second message. They've been recalled because the System Lords have decided to test our defenses. They're sending a ship to attack Earth. It'll be here within the hour.

WRITERS: Duh duh duhnnnn.

AUDIENCE: Don't you mean "dumb, dumb, dumb"? Why didn't they have Daniel check the message in the first place?

WRITERS: Um. Dramatic license?

END OF PART 1

NEXT WEEK, NEW ORDER, PART TWO, IN WHICH WE LEARN THE FATE OF THE JACKSCICLE

S/J SHIPPERS: Sam's a scientist, she'll figure out how to get Jack out of the icebox.

SLASHERS: We're sure Daniel and/or Teal'c could come up with ways to thaw him out. Veeeery interesting ways.

NOROMOS: Should we bother to even get *out* of the car?


End file.
